Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
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Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it