They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
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You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
PLOT TWIST:
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when