When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
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People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from