Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
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I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
witch 1: i can鈥檛 find my broom
witch 2: that鈥檚 fine i can drive a stick
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i鈥檓 like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they鈥檇 be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
馃馃槀馃槀
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I feel seen.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Always 馃ゴ
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Wonder why we didn鈥檛 get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Kid: I don鈥檛 like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don鈥檛 like chicken nuggets anymore.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.