If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
You Might Also Like
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Put the is in disheveled
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*