Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
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Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Oh thanks BBC.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant