The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
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Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?