people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
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u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin