I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
You Might Also Like
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Ugh but profoundly
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie