I feel seen.
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Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever