For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
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I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡