Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
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[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.