Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
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DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs