me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
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Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.