A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
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Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless