if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
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*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean