I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
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People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.