Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money