I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
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i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
me hooking up with my ex
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.