If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
You Might Also Like
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure