luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”