[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
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DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Just as the prophecy foretold
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
She puts the hot in psychotic
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now