$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
You Might Also Like
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Gods work.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.