Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
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do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
me when I see my crush
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.