other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
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It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror