Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
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Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee