[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
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me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder