[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
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First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Safety first
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison