Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
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Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work