A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
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[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Money is the root of all wealth
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).