Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
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A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
This is a sub tweet
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.