No. He’s not coming out to play
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[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
this independent good boy don’t need no human
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Never let them know your next move 😂
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage