ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
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IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Smells like a challenge to me
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.