Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
You Might Also Like
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
a lot to unpack here
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
no one likes gloating
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?