152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
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I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down