My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
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Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls