Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
You Might Also Like
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.