So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
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Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.