Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
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Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
See..?
.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?