ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
You Might Also Like
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.