I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
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A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”