I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
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Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.