Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
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I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
same energy
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.