Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
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My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no