Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
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In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Every work call, he judges.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass