There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
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Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
My five year plan is a meteorite
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.