Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
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What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.