Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
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“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.