The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
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Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?