Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
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Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though